A Little Bit of Something Each Day

I can't believe I've been away from writing this long. Well, I had more than a couple of things going on and I simply couldn't get away to write up a post here and there. But with the new year comes a new resolve to write more, sing more, live more, not to mention work more, but all in stride. After all, it's always the little things each day that makes up those moments that take your breath away.

SOMETHING SAD

I've written about so many things on this blog, and the seeming nearness of death to us all has always been an easy topic to expound on. With 2 full years of residency under my belt, the losses still matter to me. Most especially when some losses are closer to home. When we lose young patients with so much more to live for, and recently, a friend's mom passed away under our care (my condolences, Ver), I feel, more than anything, the fragile state of our mortality, and that sense makes each morning a better one than yesterday's.

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO

I've done 2 years of my residency in Internal Medicine and going into the final stretch. It's going to be a heck of a year with seniorship, teaching juniors (that is if I have anything to impart, haha), and conferences and presentations, and hopefully, graduation.

SOMETHING SCARY

In line with the stuff to look forward to, there are exams, oral and written coming up and which I have yet to prepare for.

SOMETHING MUSICAL

I've finished a close friend's wedding song, but I never got to record it or present it at their wedding. Maybe I'll get up and do it once I'm done with all this residency stuff. And, that Christmas love song for you, you've heard. Haha

SOMETHING LOVE-LY

I'm married! Haha

With all these things, come the promise of a new year -- more blogs, more unforgettable moments, more music, less pain, more joy -- and the wish that it's gonna be a whole lot better from here on out.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A+ to F

The funny thing about evaluations is that they often are not reflective of the body of work that you put out every single day in the ward and yet they label us for the rest of our residency lives.

It really isn't fair sometimes. I go on a 36-hour duty shift, minus stealing a few minutes to hours of some shut-eye time, weather another 24+ hours of actual work time and if I screw up for a few seconds during that time, those few seconds will become my evaluation.

Nobody really cares about the 24+ or so hours you did stuff right.

By whose standards are we graded?

I've always had standards for myself and I'm harder on myself than anybody else. Most of the time, I don't let the opinions of other people ruin my work which I know I did wholeheartedly. But yes, I do make mistakes, and it's a hard pill to swallow when those mistakes are made the sole basis of my grades. Nobody ever mentions the times you were right and shouldn't those count more than the mistakes?

Well, it should.

I've realized these past few days that in medicine, and life in general, one should:
a) evaluate oneself
b) if one is happy, content, and making the people around you better, treating them right, then you're bound to be doing something right despite all the claims otherwise.
c) realize that there are people who dwell on the wrongs than on the things done right, and that these are the people you can never ever please, (their opinions don't matter)
d) make a mental note that you only answer to the Almighty, to yourself, and to your patients.
e) come to grips that you cannot please everybody.

We are but reflections, parts and parcel of the teaching and handiwork of those that have come before us -- our seniors, our teachers, our consultants.

So if you've done a good job, we'll turn out okay. If you've done otherwise, then we might not be so good.

We are your evaluations.

August Rush

RANT ALERT!(Don't say I didn't warn you)

Another month down.

At this point in any residency training, 2 months before I hopefully enter my third year in Internal Medicine, you come to the dog days -- days when you're dead tired, getting snide remarks about your work from people who do their best work from a distance, and you sometimes, do not feel the need to go on.

These are times when you feel that quitting is an option.

Believe me, these days come.

Often.

But I have come to realize that quitting isn't an option. It is a mirage. It looks like it's there but it really isn't. It's tempting, but it won't do you any good. Sometimes you get lucky and you find a casbah and a big pool of fresh water, but if only we can all be so lucky.

I wish an 80 hour work-week was in effect in our country but it isn't. We tally a total 100+ hours by my count (my brain isn't processing numbers at this time, so I could be wrong).

I've been working with people who say that I've been extra sensitive and touchy about how I work with my patients. And these are people who aren't even doctors and do not, in the first place, have any idea what is going through the mind of one.

So to them I say, BLESS YOU!

It's the only way I know how to work. I was raised by a mother who wakes up at 5 am to go to the market and sell meat, rush home, gets into her uniform to go to the bank and comes back at night to talk to us and help us with homework; a father who goes to the bank every morning and is dedicated to his organizations.

I take pride in my work and I will rant and rave in anger at any attempt to discredit it. You can break me down, tell me I'm ugly (I hope at least I'm average-looking), fat (I do need to lose weight), dumb (now wouldn't you want me as a doctor?) and other really bad adjectives you can think of, you don't get a free pass when you talk about my work.

I give you everything I have, everyday.

He who matters (pointing up) knows I do.

And His opinion is the one that matters.

The rush of August has come and gone.