What Not To Do When Seeing Your Doctor For A Medical Certificate

After doing some duties at an HMO clinic, I realized that the most common reason people actually come in for consults is to get a medical certificate, regardless of whether the claim of illness is legitimate or not. Mostly, these patients malinger (yes, we can tell) so that they can get their unauthorized leaves excused with pay, but some actually are sick and come in to get themselves seen, while others come in asking for a fit bill of health to return to work.

For the better part of things, I don't complain, and I'd like to give my patients the benefit of the doubt. But there are certain things that you should know when you come in for that piece of paper with the doctor's signature on it.

1. For a change, maybe you can actually see a doctor when you are actually sick. It will make our jobs easier.

2. If you're faking it, stick with subjective complaints. Saying that you have a fever with cough and colds, would work when only when we actually get a fever on a thermometer, when you're all stuffy with a nose swollen up like Rudolph, and barely getting through the history part of our examination because of a hoarse voice. With subjective complaints, at least you would have more luck if you come across a doctor who gives you the benefit of the doubt.

3. Please, if you've self-diagnosed yourself before you came in for a consult, do your due diligence and check it out. The Internet can be your friend in these things. I actually feel bad for electrical appliances everywhere, and the wind too. I think people have found them as causes of several body ailments more often than actual disease agents, like sleeping with the aircon or the fan on causing muscle pains and diarrhea to headaches. Yes we have traditional beliefs, and yes there are some truths and some baloney. It would help if you got some facts right already, so we wouldn't have to debunk everything you say.

4. Do not LIE. Or if you really really want to, do not let us find out, because if we do, it leads to number 5.

5. Probably the most important of all -- Do Not Piss Us Off. If you come in with an attitude, feeling like you've gotten the better of us, refusing laboratories and telling us how to do our jobs. Believe me, these do not help your case.

So, please, for everybody's benefit, tell the truth, give us something to work with, and don't piss us off.

This way, everybody is smiling when reaching for the door.